For my entire life, I have always known that I wanted to have you. I don't know what I did to deserve you, but you quite literally make my soul smile. Sam hugs for starters, let me just say are the best hugs. I don't know what it is but for that short moment in time, there is nothing in the entire world that I would change because it all led up to that hug. Every time.... So, the yellow flowers. A few weeks ago, you started this habit where you would see a yellow flower (they're dandelions), usually while you were at school and you would pick it, put it in your pocket, and when I came to pick you up you'd say Mommy! I found a yellow flower for you! and you would reach into your pocket and give me this flower that you picked during recess. Makes me melt every time. Some days you would have pockets full of these yellow flowers. Each time, I melted because it meant that during your day, when we were apart, you had a million other distractions or things you could have been doing that were super fun with your friends, but for one moment a little yellow flower caught your eye and it made you think of me. And when you had that thought you wanted to pick that flower so that you could give it to me and make me happy. And every time, it did. I could have had the worst day ever, and seeing you with that yellow flower made me happy in that moment and some days baby, that's more than one could ever hope for.
I've kept the yellow flowers that you've picked for me over the days, weeks, and months. Not sure what I'll do with them yet but I've kept them as a reminder for myself in case I get sad or down. This morning when we were on our way in, you got distracted by a yellow flower and ran to pick it for me as we walked into school. I put it behind my ear since my hands were full and forgot that I put it there. I just now caught a glimpse of my hair in the mirror and I saw the yellow flower from you this morning, and it made me smile. Thank you baby bear, you are the most amazing little boy I could have ever dreamed of, and I love you so very much. I hope you never stop being so sweet, that you at least always have the capacity for such simple but thoughtful gestures. I'm so proud of you.
And thank you for my yellow flowers. I will always cherish them.
Monday, April 10, 2017
On Being Resolute From January 2017
Happy 2017 Sam! The coming of a new year can bring about all sorts of feelings depending on where you feel you are in life. I hope you are always able to find the ending of one year and the start of a new one to be exciting, or at least find it hopeful. I hope you are able to look back on the previous year with insight on where you went right, where you went wrong, and where what you learned from it all is going to take you. Well, at least where you want it to take you.
For some reason New Years Eve was something I always rather looked forward to or at least felt was a positive/fun thing. I think it provided me more with hope for the new year as I mentioned above. I felt like no matter what had happened in the previous year, I could take what I learned from it and apply it going forward and get to where I wanted to be, or at least get further along on my way. It didn't always happen of course, getting further to where I wanted to be. Hell, some years I even lost some ground. Those years are hard to recover from sometimes but that's okay - having challenges in life actually turns out to be beneficial for a whole bunch of reasons. Challenges you face and how you overcome them that teach you more than sailing through something ever could. You learn about the world around you, how it works, how it doesn't, you learn about yourself, what you're capable of, what you're not, and you learn about others, what they're capable of, and (most people unfortunately learn this the hard way), what others are not capable of. I hope that when you have to experience that sort of situation, that you don't carry your disappointment with you for very long. It does you no favors to hold on to negativity like that even though sometimes it feels easier to hide behind being angry and upset. Dusting yourself off and putting yourself out there again, this time hopefully a little wiser from what you learned but still just as hopeful in others - takes a lot of inner strength to be able to do but I promise you its the better of the two paths.
Depending on when you get around to reading this, you might agree fully, maybe having seen me lead by example. Or you possibly could think I'm full of crap not practicing what I appear to be preaching. To some degree that last part is true. Sometimes I struggle with letting go of things that have negatively impacted me for whatever reason. But especially since you and your sister came along I've been much more cognizant of that and constantly trying to gain that strength to lead by example, to model what I think is the most beneficial way to be. Even though I fail at it sometimes, I am resolute in the fact that I will always get back up and try again. I hope nothing but the same for you. I love you baby boy - Happy New Years!
For some reason New Years Eve was something I always rather looked forward to or at least felt was a positive/fun thing. I think it provided me more with hope for the new year as I mentioned above. I felt like no matter what had happened in the previous year, I could take what I learned from it and apply it going forward and get to where I wanted to be, or at least get further along on my way. It didn't always happen of course, getting further to where I wanted to be. Hell, some years I even lost some ground. Those years are hard to recover from sometimes but that's okay - having challenges in life actually turns out to be beneficial for a whole bunch of reasons. Challenges you face and how you overcome them that teach you more than sailing through something ever could. You learn about the world around you, how it works, how it doesn't, you learn about yourself, what you're capable of, what you're not, and you learn about others, what they're capable of, and (most people unfortunately learn this the hard way), what others are not capable of. I hope that when you have to experience that sort of situation, that you don't carry your disappointment with you for very long. It does you no favors to hold on to negativity like that even though sometimes it feels easier to hide behind being angry and upset. Dusting yourself off and putting yourself out there again, this time hopefully a little wiser from what you learned but still just as hopeful in others - takes a lot of inner strength to be able to do but I promise you its the better of the two paths.
Depending on when you get around to reading this, you might agree fully, maybe having seen me lead by example. Or you possibly could think I'm full of crap not practicing what I appear to be preaching. To some degree that last part is true. Sometimes I struggle with letting go of things that have negatively impacted me for whatever reason. But especially since you and your sister came along I've been much more cognizant of that and constantly trying to gain that strength to lead by example, to model what I think is the most beneficial way to be. Even though I fail at it sometimes, I am resolute in the fact that I will always get back up and try again. I hope nothing but the same for you. I love you baby boy - Happy New Years!
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