On being a 3 year old....

            Each day, you learn to do or say something new and it simultaneously breaks and melts my heart.  It breaks my heart because each new thing you learn how to do is one step farther away you are from being the little baby boy that before I even had kids, I knew I wanted more than anything in my entire life. It also melts my heart because you're so proud to show me what you can do or say.  Despite the typical age-appropriate bad moods or break downs that come with growing up, the personality you have and person you are becoming is a genuinely caring, sweet, and protective of those he loves kind of man. Each new thing you do further proves that's who you are becoming. We signed you up for soccer class with your friends Rhys and Logan, and its amazing to see you focus on something and learn these new skills all on your own.  AVCDS also has the music class that you go to, and each Thursday you come home and tell me, "Mommy I played music!" and I melt a little. Okay a lot.  I know that you're 3 and I already have you signed up for 2 classes, I hope that I don't become one of those moms that over schedules her kids, so if you don't want to do something that you get signed up for (aside from school - that's mandatory), let me know and we can talk about what the best path is for you. My fear is that if we push you too much into too many things, you'll write them off before getting to see what they're all about and miss something that you would otherwise really enjoy or really be something that takes you on a path that makes you into the best, happiest person that you're capable of being.  The realist side of me is thinking to myself, 'you know that this is all in a perfect world that it works out like this right? reality doesn't usually make it that simple'.  And I know that, but a girl can dream...
             Watching you with Lili as she follows close behind you in age, and seeing you teach her things already has resulted in her being pretty darn smart and capable for her age which is a double edged sword for many reasons, too many to dive into now.  You've convinced her to be a dragon for Halloween, gave a hard sell for a few weeks and she's decided that a dragon she will be.  See? You're already influencing her decision making.  Keep in mind how influential you are to her, especially as you both grow up and are exposed to choices that have permanent consequences, good and bad. We recently went to Wesley's birthday party and I think for the first time you were so independent and didn't really want or need us around all that much unless it was to get in and out of the moon-bounce.  You were running around playing with your buddies (and Lili) and all I could do was just watch you. Again - the melting and breaking of my mom heart.  Just so you know, the breaking part of my heart is not meant to be a bad thing towards you, its a selfish thing. Its knowing that it was never possible for you to be my little baby forever, nor would I really even want that for you because it would mean you'd miss out on growing up and becoming the man that I know will make your father and I beam with pride. It's more about loving the moment we're in, and not wanting it to pass all too quickly (which it feels like).

Hopefully this year I will be able to log some more posts on here.  I know I've been remiss in putting posts up this past year.  You and Lili have required a lot more hands attention as to be expected and I've been too busy having a blast with you two.  We recently had a Mommy/Sam day this past Friday because you had a dentists appointment and you didn't want to go to school afterwards, I didn't really want to make you, so since it was Friday we had a day to ourselves. Let me tell you about that appointment for a minute, because you need to know this about your smooth talking self.  At the end of the appointment you're supposed to get one balloon.  ONE.  You however, sweet talked your way into THREE.  I think what the sweetest part was, was that you didn't want you to just have one.  You got Lili a yellow balloon, and daddy a pink balloon (the ladies in the office had a chuckle about that).  We did have to stop by school to pick up your stuff from the week, and to say hi to the firefighters that were doing a presentation at your school.  Since we arrived just after the tours, the firefighters were so nice they gave you your own private tour, and let you drive the big yellow fire truck and walk through it all by ourselves. It was really cool. I like having days just us, and I hope you do too.  I promise we'll always have our Mommy/Sam days to do what we want, hang out, and make each other laugh.  I love you baby boy -

On saying, "I love you"

Two of the best moments I've had as a mom has been when you and Lili individually said, "I love you" to me spontaneously for the first time. I don't know if you'll remember this when you grow up but for awhile now you and I have this inside thing where I'll ask you if you know how much I love you, and you'll respond, "Too much!" and I'll say, "noooooo, I love you SO much, there's no such thing as too much when it comes to how much mommy loves Sam".  And then you'll usually say, "ooh, SO much!". Its one of my favorite things about life thus far.


I hope you continue to rest assured that you have a mommy, daddy, and sisi that love you unconditionally, no matter what.  There is nothing on this planet that will ever change that.  You'll come to interpret that as many different things as you grow up, and hopefully you'll arrive at adulthood with a pretty stable and solid understanding of what that means and how there will be times that it is not the easiest thing in the world to show, no matter how easy it is to know.  There are times when you'll probably accuse me of not loving you because I'm not letting you do or have something that you want and that you feel will make you happy.  I'll have to enforce discipline or consequences which (I'll readily admit at face-value especially as you are growing up) look like the farthest thing from love to you.  There will most certainly be times when you'll be right about something and I'm wrong and make the wrong decision about letting you do A, B, or C, but I will always do what I feel is the best for you, because I love you.  Sometimes what's ultimately best for you isn't easy, it'll piss you off, make you decide to not talk to me, and make me really sad to have to stand my ground for.  But when I'm faced with such a decision, no matter how tough it is to look out for what's best for you, I will always base my choice in the fact that I love you more than you will ever know.


I could go on and on about this topic, but I'll keep it brief.  Because, of course, I love you SO much baby boy.

On permission or forgiveness....

There's a saying that goes, "it's better to ask forgiveness than beg permission".

Often people will use this to justify what they want to do when they are well aware of the high potential for negative fallout or consequences and most likely, and rather sadly trying to romanticize their actions like they're part of some resistance against this oppressive force keeping them from what they deserve.  Keep an eye on the people who say that. Unless they're talking about the government or some work related hierarchical problem, they're usually looking to justify taking hurting someone else for something they're unwilling to risk talking with someone and maybe not be able to do whatever it was that they wanted to do. Under this auspice, they're putting the ultimate wrong doing on the other person by giving the implication that they're this unreasonable person who won't let people do whatever they want to do, as if this other person had actively signed up for this authoritative position and knew that's what their job title was. It helps delay any feelings of guilt for the person who holds that credo. Maybe they'll feel bad later if they have too. If. Perhaps it assuages their guilt to look at themselves through this lens or puts their desires on some falsely moral righteous pulpit, or just looking for someone to give the permission that they're too chicken shit to ask for from the person that counts.
           I'm telling you about this because if someone says that to you, like about someone or something else, you have to accept that it's possible given a circumstance that they'll say that about you. You'll one day be the "harsh authoritarian" they're mentally trying to justify hurting because they just want to do this one thing and whatever it is is worth hurting you. And in the context of a committed intimate relationship / marriage, nothing is worth hurting you. That is how I am teaching you to think. That is the minimum standard I want you to expect from yourself and your chosen partner. To me, that's the whole freaking point. Why be in a partnership or marriage with someone if it's all fair game and aside from what administratively ties you together, how you treat each other is the same as you'd treat the next person you know, why bother with all of the hard work that marriage is? If nothing is sacred to you both, if there's nothing making you a team aside from literal forcing functions like property co-ownership or things like that - it will be a rough and somewhat lonely road. And that is the last thing that I want for you, to be lonely.  If your definitions and terms for being married are different than what I would want for you, that's okay and I'll support what you want in life as long as you're not hurting yourself or anyone else.  Be honest about who you are and what you want. This won't prevent you from breaking hearts or getting yours broken, but it should provide you with a part of your moral compass as you go through life. I love you baby boy.

On how fast you're growing up....and would you please stop.

Easier said than done, I know - but good lord you are growing up so fast.  You're at the stage where your sense of self and control over your environment is growing by the hour and from what I can surmise right now - the term "laid back" is likely to never apply to you.  It's exhausting as a parent, but for you, it will serve you well assuming that you learn the skills to pick what battles to actively fight and which battles are best fought out by themselves with no interaction or energy spent from you.  Many people don't master this in their entire lifetime.  I still haven't, but I think I'm getting better at it. I have no doubt that if we raise you well, you'll have a fighting chance of figuring it out before the rest of us do - I love you.

On the indivisible

I guess what I mean by the title of this is that I want to tell you about the very few things in your life that will remain constant from the moment you were born through your whole life.  It's not a long list so don't worry.  Pretty much everything in life changes in some form or another.  There's a Buddhist philosophy that basically says the only thing that doesn't change is that things are always changing.  And in most contexts they are.  But not all of them.  There are some things that you can count on no matter what.  The first thing that is probably going to be the most impactful in your life is the fact that you and your sister Lili will always be siblings, you'll always be family no matter what that will never change.  It will never change that you were there from the first moment of her life and you were too young to remember life without her, as brief as that was anyway.  My hope for you is that you two will remain the indivisible team you appear to be today despite your few squabbles here and there.  But how the two of you treat each other, respect each other, support each other, and have each other's backs (or not) will determine if that remains the case.  You two have a really good advantage in your lives because you have each other, you're pretty close in age so there isn't a generational gap that complicates things, so that you are able to provide some context or dose of reality in a way that someone only there since day one can do.  Others can come exceptionally close and in the most rare of cases an equivalent sibling level is found in someone else on this planet that you're not genetically related to, like how Aunt Emily is to me because we've known each other since before we can remember and have been through many ups and downs.  It's a rare thing to have someone like that in your life, and I try to remind myself that I'm pretty lucky to have Aunt Emily in my life and for that matter, in yours as your god-mom.  However that doesn't mean that the relationship between you two doesn't require the same level of loyalty (if not more) that you require of your closest chosen friends.  If anything the bar is higher for her with you, and higher for you with her because you two have never known life without each other and because of that there's an implication that you two are supposed to be an undividable team. I hope you two protect that because just as there are few things more sacred than a sibling bond, there's very few things that sting as much as having your trust broken with your teammate.  It takes a long time to be repaired, if it's even possible so take my advice and just don't even go down that road in the first place, don't risk it.  Whatever it is isn't worth it, that would be my guess but if I'm wrong then I hope you're right because that's a pretty impactful fork in the road. 
Another thing that will never change is kind of a larger picture of what I just talked about in the sense that Lili, your dad, and myself will always be your family and Lili can speak for herself when she masters the English language but I know that nothing will change how much we love you and that there is nothing you can do on this planet that will make your dad or I love you any less.  Not one thing on this planet. Of that I know to be true without reservation.  There is no end of the earth that I will not go to if you need me to.  There's no sacrifice your dad won't make to ensure that he gives you the best that he possibly can. Don't take this to mean we're going to do whatever you want us to do all the time, oh no no no.  I'm talking about big picture stuff, what actually benefits you versus what you want in the moment.  That part sucks I know but if we did that we'd actually be screwing you over more because you wouldn't be able to do anything on your own because you wouldn't know how.  So these things, the relationship you have with Lili, your dad and I, these things are indivisible, unchangeable only if those involved let them be by their own actions, for better or worse. If you treasure that relationship with Lili, only good things will come, I promise you.  And I'll be saying the same thing to her and her job as your sister.  I love you baby boy -