It's been a long time since, but so much has happened...

 Oh my sweet little boy, 

         I'm not going to be able to say that much longer, am I? We're less than a week away from your 8th birthday.  I can't believe I have had the gift of you in my life for eight years already. I remember constantly staring at you when you were a baby (okay I still do, guilty as charged) and almost being scared of how lucky I felt I was that I had been given this perfect little baby boy. (And I still feel that way, even when you get mad at me:) 

        I think since the last time I wrote, we've had Ava, we got a puppy - Miss Sadie Odella Gleason, we've moved once, and we've had a bunch of adventures. We also lost our Beaux...that was very rough.  You two shared the closest bond from the moment you came home from the hospital.  I cant even explain how or why but it was just so apparent from moment one...you two loved each other so much. But with that said, I cant wait to have soo many more adventures with you and your sisters. 

I wanted to take this time to talk to you about a few things. The other night when you were here at my house, we had a really emotional conversation.  I wanted to cry as hard as you were, but as your mom I had to keep strong so you had something to anchor yourself to.  You were really mad at me for leaving your father and not staying to give the marriage one more chance.  I don't know when you will read this, but I just want you to know that I gave that marriage more than I had to give and I think we all suffered greatly for it. I told you during our conversation a few nights ago the two things that made me realize that I had to leave, and your response killed me because I know that meant I wouldn't be there to protect you half of the time but I had hoped that by me leaving it would reduce the fighting and the anger and toxicity in that house....and by default your dad would somehow be a more...I don't know peaceful person? I never imagined that it would escalate to what it has.  It genuinely made my heart so sad for you when you told me that you didn't want your father to think that you loved him any less but that you didn't want to live with him because you were scared and I completely understand that, who wants to live a life where they're scared all the time? I'm telling you this story not to remind you of a painful memory.  I'm telling you this so that when or if you decide to become a parent and have children you call your own, that you pick what kind of parent you want to be wisely. Maybe you choose your father's path, maybe you choose a different one. 

I cannot wait to celebrate your birthday with you my son.  I mean it with every ounce of my soul when I say, YOU are the only thing in my life that I have always ever wanted. And I am so very lucky to have been given a wonderful, smart, sweet, and kind son like you. 

Love always, 

Mom

On how much you love...

I'm embarrassed that its almost been an entire year since I last posted anything for you. In my defense, its been one hell of a year. That's putting it absurdly lightly, don't you think? Baby Ava joined our ranks, you graduated from daycare, had some hiccups along the way at daycare (more on that later), and had just about anything/everything thrown at us. Aunt Laura passed away in February of 2018 which was pretty sad but expected.  She was pretty sick towards the end but she always asked about you and Lili.  I'm sad that Ava never got the chance to meet her in person. I remember talking to you about her passing away and it made you cry a little bit which kind of surprised me that you were able to understand such a concept and have a feeling about it at your young age. I've come to learn that you've got not only a lot of feelings in your little self, but they're strong and have such depth to them if that makes sense. It's a double edged sword for you right now and I would anticipate it will be for your entire life if you don't keep active tabs on your emotions. Even in the best of circumstances your emotional capacity will be an exhausting element for you to experience. I'm sorry that your dad and I have been under such immense stress and pressure that we haven't always given you the best examples on what to do with your emotions. I've been thinking about that a lot recently and I'm actively trying to get better about how I act and react so I can give you a better example. Plus, letting oneself become so stressed and being preoccupied on negative things isn't a way to live.


I wanted to make sure I mentioned how amazing I think you are with your baby sister. I think in the week leading up to her birthday, you were a ball of nerves and didn't know what you were feeling and/or how to express it. Well, other than biting a few of the people in your class and having some meltdowns. I remember the day your dad brought you and Lili to the hospital to meet Ava. You were so gentle and sweet with her immediately and you never took your eyes off of her. You sang to her (and to date, you still do) when she cries. You run to get her a binkie when she drops it, or anything you think she needs to make her happy again. You sit with her wherever she is and smile at her, talk to her, and radiate this genuine love for her when she smiles back at you and coos to you. I'm telling you this because I don't know how much of it you'll remember being so young yourself but you should know these things about yourself.  They're part of what make you so sweet and kind and loving. That's the positive side of the sword.  The other side is that you are those things because you are a very sensitive soul. That means you can get hurt easily, take offense easily, and have a hair trigger temper in certain situations. Feeling like that is not a pleasant experience at all and I think you're starting to learn that's the case. It's okay though, we're working on it and I think everything is going to be just fine. I hope you keep your sweetness as you grow up - it really is a gift you have that the people around you will value and treasure (if they're worth your company that is). I love you baby boy - xoxo.

On Yellow Flowers

For my entire life, I have always known that I wanted to have you. I don't know what I did to deserve you, but you quite literally make my soul smile.  Sam hugs for starters, let me just say are the best hugs. I don't know what it is but for that short moment in time, there is nothing in the entire world that I would change because it all led up to that hug. Every time.... So, the yellow flowers. A few weeks ago,  you started this habit where you would see a yellow flower (they're dandelions), usually while you were at school and you would pick it, put it in your pocket, and when I came to pick you up you'd say Mommy! I found a yellow flower for you! and you would reach into your pocket and give me this flower that you picked during recess. Makes me melt every time. Some days you would have pockets full of these yellow flowers. Each time, I melted because it meant that during your day, when we were apart, you had a million other distractions or things you could have been doing that were super fun with your friends, but for one moment a little yellow flower caught your eye and it made you think of me. And when you had that thought you wanted to pick that flower so that you could give it to me and make me happy. And every time, it did. I could have had the worst day ever, and seeing you with that yellow flower made me happy in that moment and some days baby, that's more than one could ever hope for.

I've kept the yellow flowers that you've picked for me over the days, weeks, and months.  Not sure what I'll do with them yet but I've kept them as a reminder for myself in case I get sad or down. This morning when we were on our way in, you got distracted by a yellow flower and ran to pick it for me as we walked into school.  I put it behind my ear since my hands were full and forgot that I put it there.  I just now caught a glimpse of my hair in the mirror and I saw the yellow flower from you this morning, and it made me smile. Thank you baby bear, you are the most amazing little boy I could have ever dreamed of, and I love you so very much.  I hope you never stop being so sweet, that you at least always have the capacity for such simple but thoughtful gestures. I'm so proud of you.

And thank you for my yellow flowers.  I will always cherish them.

On Being Resolute From January 2017

Happy 2017 Sam! The coming of a new year can bring about all sorts of feelings depending on where you feel you are in life. I hope you are always able to find the ending of one year and the start of a new one to be exciting, or at least find it hopeful. I hope you are able to look back on the previous year with insight on where you went right, where you went wrong, and where what you learned from it all is going to take you.  Well, at least where you want it to take you.

For some reason New Years Eve was something I always rather looked forward to or at least felt was a positive/fun thing. I think it provided me more with hope for the new year as I mentioned above. I felt like no matter what had happened in the previous year, I could take what I learned from it and apply it going forward and get to where I wanted to be, or at least get further along on my way. It didn't always happen of course, getting further to where I wanted to be.  Hell, some years I even lost some ground. Those years are hard to recover from sometimes but that's okay - having challenges in life actually turns out to be beneficial for a whole bunch of reasons.  Challenges you face and how you overcome them that teach you more than sailing through something ever could.  You learn about the world around you, how it works, how it doesn't, you learn about yourself, what you're capable of, what you're not, and you learn about others, what they're capable of, and (most people unfortunately learn this the hard way), what others are not capable of. I hope that when you have to experience that sort of situation, that you don't carry your disappointment with you for very long.  It does you no favors to hold on to negativity like that even though sometimes it feels easier to hide behind being angry and upset.  Dusting yourself off and putting yourself out there again, this time hopefully a little wiser from what you learned but still just as hopeful in others - takes a lot of inner strength to be able to do but I promise you its the better of the two paths.

Depending on when you get around to reading this, you might agree fully, maybe having seen me lead by example.  Or you possibly could think I'm full of crap not practicing what I appear to be preaching.  To some degree that last part is true.  Sometimes I struggle with letting go of things that have negatively impacted me for whatever reason. But especially since you and your sister came along I've been much more cognizant of that and constantly trying to gain that strength to lead by example, to model what I think is the most beneficial way to be. Even though I fail at it sometimes, I am resolute in the fact that I will always get back up and try again.  I hope nothing but the same for you.  I love you baby boy - Happy New Years!

On being a 3 year old....

            Each day, you learn to do or say something new and it simultaneously breaks and melts my heart.  It breaks my heart because each new thing you learn how to do is one step farther away you are from being the little baby boy that before I even had kids, I knew I wanted more than anything in my entire life. It also melts my heart because you're so proud to show me what you can do or say.  Despite the typical age-appropriate bad moods or break downs that come with growing up, the personality you have and person you are becoming is a genuinely caring, sweet, and protective of those he loves kind of man. Each new thing you do further proves that's who you are becoming. We signed you up for soccer class with your friends Rhys and Logan, and its amazing to see you focus on something and learn these new skills all on your own.  AVCDS also has the music class that you go to, and each Thursday you come home and tell me, "Mommy I played music!" and I melt a little. Okay a lot.  I know that you're 3 and I already have you signed up for 2 classes, I hope that I don't become one of those moms that over schedules her kids, so if you don't want to do something that you get signed up for (aside from school - that's mandatory), let me know and we can talk about what the best path is for you. My fear is that if we push you too much into too many things, you'll write them off before getting to see what they're all about and miss something that you would otherwise really enjoy or really be something that takes you on a path that makes you into the best, happiest person that you're capable of being.  The realist side of me is thinking to myself, 'you know that this is all in a perfect world that it works out like this right? reality doesn't usually make it that simple'.  And I know that, but a girl can dream...
             Watching you with Lili as she follows close behind you in age, and seeing you teach her things already has resulted in her being pretty darn smart and capable for her age which is a double edged sword for many reasons, too many to dive into now.  You've convinced her to be a dragon for Halloween, gave a hard sell for a few weeks and she's decided that a dragon she will be.  See? You're already influencing her decision making.  Keep in mind how influential you are to her, especially as you both grow up and are exposed to choices that have permanent consequences, good and bad. We recently went to Wesley's birthday party and I think for the first time you were so independent and didn't really want or need us around all that much unless it was to get in and out of the moon-bounce.  You were running around playing with your buddies (and Lili) and all I could do was just watch you. Again - the melting and breaking of my mom heart.  Just so you know, the breaking part of my heart is not meant to be a bad thing towards you, its a selfish thing. Its knowing that it was never possible for you to be my little baby forever, nor would I really even want that for you because it would mean you'd miss out on growing up and becoming the man that I know will make your father and I beam with pride. It's more about loving the moment we're in, and not wanting it to pass all too quickly (which it feels like).

Hopefully this year I will be able to log some more posts on here.  I know I've been remiss in putting posts up this past year.  You and Lili have required a lot more hands attention as to be expected and I've been too busy having a blast with you two.  We recently had a Mommy/Sam day this past Friday because you had a dentists appointment and you didn't want to go to school afterwards, I didn't really want to make you, so since it was Friday we had a day to ourselves. Let me tell you about that appointment for a minute, because you need to know this about your smooth talking self.  At the end of the appointment you're supposed to get one balloon.  ONE.  You however, sweet talked your way into THREE.  I think what the sweetest part was, was that you didn't want you to just have one.  You got Lili a yellow balloon, and daddy a pink balloon (the ladies in the office had a chuckle about that).  We did have to stop by school to pick up your stuff from the week, and to say hi to the firefighters that were doing a presentation at your school.  Since we arrived just after the tours, the firefighters were so nice they gave you your own private tour, and let you drive the big yellow fire truck and walk through it all by ourselves. It was really cool. I like having days just us, and I hope you do too.  I promise we'll always have our Mommy/Sam days to do what we want, hang out, and make each other laugh.  I love you baby boy -

On saying, "I love you"

Two of the best moments I've had as a mom has been when you and Lili individually said, "I love you" to me spontaneously for the first time. I don't know if you'll remember this when you grow up but for awhile now you and I have this inside thing where I'll ask you if you know how much I love you, and you'll respond, "Too much!" and I'll say, "noooooo, I love you SO much, there's no such thing as too much when it comes to how much mommy loves Sam".  And then you'll usually say, "ooh, SO much!". Its one of my favorite things about life thus far.


I hope you continue to rest assured that you have a mommy, daddy, and sisi that love you unconditionally, no matter what.  There is nothing on this planet that will ever change that.  You'll come to interpret that as many different things as you grow up, and hopefully you'll arrive at adulthood with a pretty stable and solid understanding of what that means and how there will be times that it is not the easiest thing in the world to show, no matter how easy it is to know.  There are times when you'll probably accuse me of not loving you because I'm not letting you do or have something that you want and that you feel will make you happy.  I'll have to enforce discipline or consequences which (I'll readily admit at face-value especially as you are growing up) look like the farthest thing from love to you.  There will most certainly be times when you'll be right about something and I'm wrong and make the wrong decision about letting you do A, B, or C, but I will always do what I feel is the best for you, because I love you.  Sometimes what's ultimately best for you isn't easy, it'll piss you off, make you decide to not talk to me, and make me really sad to have to stand my ground for.  But when I'm faced with such a decision, no matter how tough it is to look out for what's best for you, I will always base my choice in the fact that I love you more than you will ever know.


I could go on and on about this topic, but I'll keep it brief.  Because, of course, I love you SO much baby boy.

On permission or forgiveness....

There's a saying that goes, "it's better to ask forgiveness than beg permission".

Often people will use this to justify what they want to do when they are well aware of the high potential for negative fallout or consequences and most likely, and rather sadly trying to romanticize their actions like they're part of some resistance against this oppressive force keeping them from what they deserve.  Keep an eye on the people who say that. Unless they're talking about the government or some work related hierarchical problem, they're usually looking to justify taking hurting someone else for something they're unwilling to risk talking with someone and maybe not be able to do whatever it was that they wanted to do. Under this auspice, they're putting the ultimate wrong doing on the other person by giving the implication that they're this unreasonable person who won't let people do whatever they want to do, as if this other person had actively signed up for this authoritative position and knew that's what their job title was. It helps delay any feelings of guilt for the person who holds that credo. Maybe they'll feel bad later if they have too. If. Perhaps it assuages their guilt to look at themselves through this lens or puts their desires on some falsely moral righteous pulpit, or just looking for someone to give the permission that they're too chicken shit to ask for from the person that counts.
           I'm telling you about this because if someone says that to you, like about someone or something else, you have to accept that it's possible given a circumstance that they'll say that about you. You'll one day be the "harsh authoritarian" they're mentally trying to justify hurting because they just want to do this one thing and whatever it is is worth hurting you. And in the context of a committed intimate relationship / marriage, nothing is worth hurting you. That is how I am teaching you to think. That is the minimum standard I want you to expect from yourself and your chosen partner. To me, that's the whole freaking point. Why be in a partnership or marriage with someone if it's all fair game and aside from what administratively ties you together, how you treat each other is the same as you'd treat the next person you know, why bother with all of the hard work that marriage is? If nothing is sacred to you both, if there's nothing making you a team aside from literal forcing functions like property co-ownership or things like that - it will be a rough and somewhat lonely road. And that is the last thing that I want for you, to be lonely.  If your definitions and terms for being married are different than what I would want for you, that's okay and I'll support what you want in life as long as you're not hurting yourself or anyone else.  Be honest about who you are and what you want. This won't prevent you from breaking hearts or getting yours broken, but it should provide you with a part of your moral compass as you go through life. I love you baby boy.