On reflecting and moving into the scary unknown future....

On the last day of this year, a year that has contained so many milestones, events, goods, bads, in-betweens, and just about anything and everything a human is capable of going through (short of having another kid - thank goodness you and Lili are enough for us right now!), I wanted to take the time and break some things down for you, and reflect a little myself for perspective's sake. 

You have grown up so much this year.  You ask questions now, have opinions of your own, make independent decisions, and are becoming such an individual, its amazing to be able to watch. Watching you as you grow up with Lili is another thing too - you two have this connection or bond that is so palpable but requires no words between you two.  One of the moms at daycare told me about how she was watching you all from the window before she picked her son up who's actually your friend Rhys.  You and he were engaged in a tug of war over some toy and you won, and instead of either gloating about it or hogging the toy all to yourself, you immediately went over and gave it to Lili.  Hearing that made me so proud of you and who you very clearly are as a person.  You make her smile just by being around her, you are protective of her, but you two also fight like siblings.  She tries to copy all of the things you do, she likes the toys you like and Im pretty sure she likes them because you like them and she looks up to you.  Hopefully throughout the years you'll form a solid trustful relationship that will be a major source of support for the both of you as you grow up and face some of the less awesome parts of life. 

This year you've prompted me to focus on how I can be a better person, parent, and member of our family.  I want to make sure I am trying to be the best that I can be because you and Lili deserve the best mom.  Full disclosure though - even the best moms make mistakes and don't do the best thing the first time around but as long as they learn from it and use it as a teaching experience and not something that discourages them from trying - its all good.  Right now you are having a hard time with getting frustrated and figuring out how to handle that in a way that doesn't get you in trouble.  It's pretty age appropriate for you and I want to make sure Im doing my best to teach you what you need to learn to be able to handle being mad and the increasing amounts of independence that you're demanding from yourself, and us.  This year, we've had a marriage and a wedding, Lili's baptism in NJ, your first trip to the ocean (Lili's too!), overcome your attachment fears when you were dropped off at school, started pre-school, and made some really awesome friends (the group of you four - Wesley, Rhys, and Liam are the cutest group of friends).  You've learned so much, good lord you've learned how to do so many things by yourself, you've known your ABCs for months now.  I'm sure I can write more and I want 2016 to be a year that I visit this more and talk about important stuff that you'll either want to know or be able to look back on from another perspective.  I love you baby boy, so much and I am so proud of the person you are becoming. 

Happy New Years Sam -

On Being Just Who You Are...

My baby - I hope that you grow up being able to own who you are, were, and who you want to be.  No one is perfect so those three people I just mentioned have their faults I'm sure. As your mom I'm not so good at seeing those faults because to me you're my perfect baby boy. I know, and it's my job, to tell you that the outside world does not think even remotely closely to the same way I do about you. About anyone, really. When I say own who you are I mean acknowledge your faults with the intention of self improvement, but not the pressure of self recrimination and hits to your self worth. I want you to know the difference between a fault, a quirk, and a preference.
A fault is something that prevents you from expanding or growing at minimum, and at its maximum is something hurtful to you or others. Anyone worth their salt in your life should have your best interests at heart and help you change and not busy themselves with constantly pointing out faults and nothing positive to say. This is because people close to you in your life should want to take that journey of expanding past each other's faults with you. If they want you to go it alone while thinking theyve got nothing to change,  (or what's worse - knowing they do but focusing on you so they can ignore the work they should be doing on themselves) you're better off without them. Trust me.

A quirk is something that doesn't fall within the norm but format hinder you. When Aunt Emily says "do you" this is kind of what she means. Own the quirks. They're what make you you. And if you're with someone who doesn't like your quirks, either say F 'em, or decide they're worth the effort to change it. Usually I've found,  the people worth it will eventually or immediately love those things about you.
A preference is a malleable way or condition in which you like things to be, or be done.  A modification isn't a cause for concern but blatant repeated disregard can be damaging to a relationship but the onus is on  you to speak up for yourself in an effective way. 
I just wanted to talk about this with you so as you grow up, if you need a reference to the complicated world of who you are and how to be happy with who you are, you've got one right here.

My adorable baby boy - I mean Batman, I love you very much.

On your first day of pre-school

I got some exceptionally cute pictures of you and sent them to your Aunt Emily.  We gushed after I dropped you off about how adorable you were.  That same day both your dad and I got stuck in traffic and I was late picking you up from day care.  I felt so bad.  I still feel bad.  I know you're probably too young to remember it, and honestly when I got there you were having a great time anyway.  It didn't impact how terrible I felt that I was late.  

You're growing up so fast and I hope you know that all of the hard work I'm doing now is in hopes that I get to be in complete control of my schedule when you're older and be able to take you to all the activities that you want to do after school and on weekends. 

Im trying my best and there will be things I could have done better or differently but I hope you know I always tried to do what was best for you and Lili. 

On the fact that we all get so frustrated we want to scream....

.....the other fact here is that like your father and uncle, you actually do scream.  Really, really loud.  Despite that it's physically painful to hear that pitch at times, I feel bad for you because you're that frustrated at whatever it is at that moment and that's the most effective tool that you feel like you have.  Most of the time you're the sweetest boy on the planet.  But when you get nudged off your pace....do  you let people know how you don't care for it.  I'm trying even harder now, and so is your dad and in all honesty he appears to be doing a better job than me at this moment, of not having heated arguments with anyone in front of you.  Getting upset or mad isn't wrong or bad, its a very natural reaction to things, but it's rarely even remotely effective at getting your point across or getting some sort of resolution. 
You're growing up so fast, you're learning so many new things every day and I am so impressed by how quickly you can pick things up.  I am working very hard to spend more time with you (and your sister) and right now it feels like I'm treading water and going backwards because there's so much going on that the to do list is getting longer faster than I can cross line items off.  I love you baby boy, sweet dreams and I'll see you in the morning.

On following up from goals I set last year

I was revisiting an old post where I talked about the goals I had for the next decade, and 1/10th of the way in I've checked off the first box, so that would be what I considered a success.  Things are really busy in life now and I'm trying my best to sort it all out and be the best mom and all the other roles I have that I can be.  I'm reminded frequently that my best sometimes doesn't cut it, and it hurts to hear but sometimes its good because it makes you mad and makes you try harder.  I'm still working on the other goals, but I gave myself a decade so I'll hopefully have some time.  I love you little man.

On how important you are...

I was explaining to someone today about how having/raising kids is really hard, and how I wouldn't recommend they consider it as something to take lightly, whether they have a co-parent or not.  The attempt to raise good kids is one that always leaves me feeling like Im failing in one way and/or another, and just before I finally convince myself that I am - you do or say something new or when I'm certain I'm failing at being a parent, you run up to me with your amazing contagious smile and say, "mommy!" and give me a hug as big as you can, right when I probably need it the most.  So thank you baby, I love you so very much and I still believe that Sam hugs are the best hugs that have ever been hugged.

On Behavior

You're getting to an age and development point now where you're starting to observe and figure out your impacts on the world around you for the most part (you don't seem to be concerned about any impact to my sleep when you want to read books at 3am but that's another story).  Right now your go-to solution when you're not pleased is to scream your face off.  You should be impressed actually, your screaming set off our security alarm's window break feature, meaning the pitch of your scream actually impacted the glass in the windows so much that it was able to be detected by our security system and set it off.  Bravo, Sam.  I'm trying to teach you that screaming and pitching a fit isn't really a sustainable or optimal way to get what you want.  Often times it will actually get you the opposite of what you want.  Variations of this concept are present throughout life, and its a lesson we continually learn and have to re-learn as life and situations change.  I myself am in the process of learning this in that I need to be more solution oriented rather than here lets examine the problem oriented.  It's a hard lesson but hopefully I'm getting the hang of it.  I'll let you know more about what I learn if you promise to do the same.  I love you very much sweet baby boy. xo

BabyTWatch 2015

That sounds misleading, but too cool sounding not to use.  Anywho, this post serves a few purposes.  One, is for Baby T's mom to check when she has the time at work when I update this so I don't have to barrage her with texts while she's at super busy at work which is why I volunteered to hang out with the little man in the first place.  Second, is when Sam reads this, he can a.) read about his friend when he was a little baby, and b.) hopefully gain an understanding that there's a whole wealth of good things about doing a solid for your friends. 

Baby T's Day:

Drop off around 8am - per dad he at 3oz at 630am, had the duoneb, and was changed at 7

8:29am - tried a bottle -  no dice

8:32am - Prednisone dose given.  Was a little fussy but probably confused about who I was and why I wasn't giving him his bottle exactly the way his mom does.  Tried the bottle again, still no dice.

8:43am - Pulmicort (sp?) neb given, took about 6-7 mins with the mask on.  Did pretty well, a few second he did not care for my shenanigans with the fish mask.

8:50am - Bottle time (Zantac dose in bottle)

9:06am, fell asleep on the bottle even after a few prompts to keep going.  Took down about 2.5 oz.  Put him in the swing chair, of course he wakes up. 

9:23am - after what seemed to be a few minutes on and off of audible gas passing, diaper change (BM/W) used diaper cream.

9:44am - Got all snuggled in with the DayDreamer next to me in the living room while we listen to the babygenius Mozart sleepytime DVD.  He seems intrigued, but not particularly impressed. 

* I say this now, but as of this moment, he hasn't spit up all that much, just standard baby spit up from what I've seen.  Of course now he'll probably hit the TV with something projectile....

9:50am - passed out in the daydreamer

10:21 - woke up, seems a bit perturbed at why I'm not his mom. 

Few minutes of walking around while another bottle is warmed. Diaper check - nada.

10:41 -   Chugged bottle like he was in college.  Gave him a few breaks to hopefully lessen the reflux?

11:09 - Little man is fighting taking a nap, but his eyes are pretty heavy.  Once he goes to sleep or at 11:30 he's up for a duo neb.

11:25 - diaper change, duo neb, looks passed out

sleeping/dozing

12:51 - alerted me he needed assistance, diaper change (wet), bottle given, dozed off during the bottle

1:30 - woke up, bouncy chair time, serious conversation involving peek a boo and other various cooings.

2:30 - serious case of the smiles.  Planning on a bottle/duoneb in about 25-30 mins

2:44 - diaper change (wet), outfit change (time for evening wear.  neck area was a little damp so I figured he'd feel better in some dry threads).  Bottle time to commence in a few minutes followed by duoneb.

3:01 - finishing up his bottle, dozing off before his duoneb.

3:06 -  Duoneb time - tolerated about half of it before he made the executive decision that it was not going to happen right now.  Will revisit. 

3:26 - bicycle legs and play mat sesh

3:45 - diaper change (wet) walk around bouncy time

4:08 - Exhausted from walk around bouncy time took a nap, seized opportunity to finish duoneb

4:57 - finished last bottle for the day.  Will wait until 5:15+ for pulmocort since it was given a bit later. Still needs: zantac (finished am dose later) and duoneb for the 5:30 schedule

On showing restraint and keeping composure

I suck at this in my personal life.  Professionally I can handle most off the wall things that are thrown my way but personally, my restraint is reportedly nonexistent.  It's something I've been trying to be mindful of and work on, and admittedly some times are easier than others.  Most of this poor restraint it should be noted, is in telling people exactly how I feel whether this information was solicited or not.  Its one of the reasons why many years ago I read a lot on the Buddhist way of thinking and found that I thought it was on to something.  Well, let me be one to tell you its much easier read than done.  Recently I've come to the conclusion I should renew my focus on those texts because I've lost sight of their core principles I think.  If you want something to change, the only thing you can actually change is yourself and that's hard enough.  Engaging in fruitless efforts to change someone or something else directly will only be met with a series of defeats, arguments, and overwhelming frustration.  Of course I realize that all of that is much more easier written down than it is actually implementing in your life, especially in the moment when your knee jerk reaction is to be like, "Oh hold up, what.the.F".  This approach has yet to provide an actual example of turning out positively for the person who said what the F.  Hopefully you develop some sort of cathartic hobby to engage in to help you with this.  I'm currently looking in to it.  If you find something before I do, help a sister out and let me know whats up. 

I'd write more on this topic but I've got a bunch of work to do and errands to run before I pick you and your sister up.  I love you guys so so very much.

On The Tantrum Stage

Sam,
     I understand that you were losing your cool because the apple sauce wasn't as close to you as you wanted it and then it was too close so then it had to go and you spilled it all over the floor.  I understand that this morning wasn't routine so you had a melt down.  I get it.  Truth be told, it happens to me as an adult.  Its a stage your going through where you're learning so much every day and you're just trying to get a handle on things before they change again and when your routine changes its like chaos for you and frankly, I think its reasonable to find chaos upsetting unless its your Pappy's dog Chaos in which case you love her so that's a loveable Chaos.  Especially when you haven't had much time to master riding the wave.  I'm doing my best to be the nurturing caring mommy that you can come to when you're frustrated and upset and need to figure stuff out.  But I also can't be the parent that doesn't let you experience normal frustrations by bubble wrapping your world and shielding you from everything upsetting because then you're not going to have those skills when you're off on your own.  So just FYI, I'm trying to be the understanding mommy that encourages you to figure stuff out for yourself.  Remember that when I epically fail in some way.

- Mom


I'm a complete push over when it comes to my son.  If I didn't know that it would cause him great difficulty later in his life (and mine), I'd do everything physically possible that I could for him to avoid him being upset and keep that oh-so-adorable smile on his beautiful face.  But that'd be a bad parenting move for me I think.  When he loses it, my approach is to get on his level, get next to him so he feels safe (although sometimes he hits me with those little toddler hits and then gives me the 'whuh oh' look gauging my reaction, clear boundary testing), and talk to him in a calm voice so that he can slow his roll and calm down too.  I think his dad sees this as me placating him, but I'm really not.  I'm trying to model what a calm person looks like when he gets upset so that he can associate getting upset with calming down.  Plus I want him to know that he's getting his message across.  I'm pretty sure a lot of my approach comes from working in mental health and having done my internship with kids ages 0-5.  Also, I want him to see that even when he throws a super-fit, all he's going to get from me is unconditional hugs and attempts to make him laugh.  When he's older, sure I'll work with him on being more effective at expressing himself and how some people (ie - not moms) wont react well to someone throwing a tantrum.  But those are lessons for another day for him. 

His sister Lili luckily slept through this morning battle, but that is a fleeting advantage we have and she'll soon become wise to the situation around her.  I don't know what I did or what's to be expected of me later in life but Lili is possibly more smiley than her brother.  Its impossible to be mad at her because she just looks at you with this huge gummy smile that even the worst fatigue at 3:25am can't deny.  Great...